“Mankeeping”: Why It Matters and How to Create More Balanced Emotional Labor in Relationships
Have you ever felt like you’re your partner’s social planner, emotional sounding board, and relationship cruise director—all rolled into one?
If so, you might be experiencing what researchers are now calling mankeeping.
As noted in a recent NY Times article, the term mankeeping was coined by Angelica Puzio Ferrara at Stanford University, describes the unpaid, often invisible work many women do to meet the social and emotional needs of the men in their lives. This can look like helping a partner process tough days, organizing their social calendar, encouraging them to connect with friends, or taking the lead on big milestones—like planning vacations or arranging family introductions.
Why this happens
Research shows that many men have fewer close friendships than women do, and they’re less likely to seek emotional support outside of a romantic partner. In fact, a 2021 survey found that 15% of men had no close friends—up sharply from 3% in 1990. Over time, that can leave their partner serving as the primary (or only) emotional outlet.
From a systemic therapy perspective, this isn’t just about one person’s habits—it’s about how gender norms, societal expectations, and eroding community spaces have left many men with fewer built-in opportunities for connection.
Why it matters in relationships
No one person can meet all of another’s emotional needs—and trying to can lead to burnout, resentment, or imbalance. Over time, mankeeping can make a relationship feel lopsided, where one partner feels drained and the other unintentionally leans too heavily without realizing it.
As therapists, we often help couples see these patterns not as blame, but as information—an opening to create change.
Signs you might be doing most of the mankeeping
You’re the one initiating most social plans or big relationship conversations.
Your partner primarily turns to you for emotional support, but you have a wider network yourself.
You feel like the “default” manager for logistics, milestones, and emotional check-ins.
You sometimes feel more responsible for the “light” or energy in the relationship.
When to bring it up in therapy
If this dynamic is leaving you feeling exhausted, resentful, or disconnected from your partner, it can be worth exploring in a therapy session. A therapist can help you:
Understand how the pattern developed.
Learn to communicate your needs without blame.
Create a more balanced division of emotional labor.
Support your partner in building a stronger social network, so you aren’t the only source of emotional support.
Sometimes couples don’t realize how much strain an imbalance like this is putting on their relationship until it’s named in a safe space.
What can help
1. Name the pattern.
Like the couple in the Times article, just talking about the imbalance can open the door for change.
2. Widen the support network.
Encourage each partner—especially men—to invest in friendships, join community activities, or deepen existing bonds. Even small steps matter.
3. Share the planning.
Switch off who organizes date nights or initiates milestone conversations.
4. Approach it as a team.
This isn’t about keeping score—it’s about creating a healthier, more sustainable foundation for both people.
Final thought:
Relationships thrive when both partners have space to be supported and to support. Naming “mankeeping” doesn’t have to be about criticism—it can be the starting point for more balance, more connection, and more joy in your partnership.
If you’re noticing these patterns in your own relationship and want a space to talk about it, our therapists at Pinnacle Counseling are here to help you find that balance together.